The best way to survive in Greece is to be fore-warned - which is to be fore-armed - of some of the hilarious and out-of -the-ordinary things you are likely to experience. Sometimes it can all look like organised disorganisation! The Greeks, though, are just so charming, helpful and generous that you'll be prepared to let them get away with almost anything! It can actually be quite refreshing to see how "laid-back" they are. This aside, though, this guide, you'll see, contains some useful hints as well as serious advice.

Surviving in the slow lane......

ACCOMMODATION

This can be excellent - if you're paying Dorchester prices. If you're in economy accommodation -from cheap-and-cheerful to self-catering, things may be pretty ordinary. There is usually a paucity of drawer space; and shelves in wardrobes and cupboards are a rarity. Working surfaces (in the kitchen area) are often quite cramped. To have a lampshade can also be a rare treat. In other words, don't arrive expecting all your home comforts. But, who cares, really. You're going to spend most of your time away from your accommodation - on the beach or in tavernas!

AIRPORTS

You may need great patience with this one! The new airport in Athens is great; but other airports -especially the island ones require you to shift your sense of humour into top gear. The luggage is likely to arrive at snails' pace, and unlikely to be on the carousel you are standing in front of. On your homewards journey it's often a case of "hurry up and wait". You'll charge to your check-in desk only to find that you wait for ages for it to open. In the meantime the queue snakes out into the blazing sun in the car park. (Nice, though, for catching that last-minute tan before flying to rain - in July or August - no doubt, back home!) The airport food is dire, so while waiting for your flight, go to a nearby taverna. All this "carry-on" is part of your holiday experience!

ALCOHOL

If you need your ouzo and retsina to survive, then Greece is your place. The various forms of the fruits of the vine are very cheap in tavernas and bars; and also in supermarkets. However, beware of over-indulgence because of this. Over-consumption can be detrimental to your well-being! Retsina, allegedly, doesn't give you a hangover (don't try to find out!); but if you're in extremis after a heavy night there's always the obligatory siesta time in which to sleep it off!

ANIMALS

The Greeks are not too partial to animals. They keep them mainly if they have a job to do. If you're on an island surrounded by the locals, expect to hear a symphony of animal sounds; especially donkeys, goats, and cockrells. Unfortunatey, these delightful animals often have a penchent for taking on the role of an early morning wake-up-call. You'll get used it; it can actually quite charming listening to the rural sounds of donkeys braying and the clinking of goat bells. Not so pleasant can be the barking dogs. Often they're tethered to a pole so just stand there barking away. Take some earplugs just in case you're near to one that decides to "sound off" in the middle of the night. If you're a cat lover, you'll love it in Greece. Lots of them around. Remember, though, many of them are strays and can be flea-ridden. So don't let them into your accommodation. If you feed the cats at your accommodation they may return in their droves, and then turn out to be quite a nuisance. Don't leave milk out. It will attract (maybe) rats, and - perish the thought - even snakes (which, apparently, quite like milk!)

BATHROOMS

These can be a laugh-a-minute! Only recently have Greek landlords decided to put up shower curtains. Up till then, it had been the custom to drench the entire bathroom whilst taking a shower. (Many of the showers are not fixed to the wall and are of the "telephone-type" variety ) Also, it is rare to have a tray to catch the water. It simply runs out through a grating in the middle (often) of the bathroom floor. It is worth remembering that if the bathroom/toilet is cramped, you should ensure that your towel, clothes to change into -and, especially, the loo paper - are all above "spraying" level. Otherwise they will all be drenched. You have been warned!

BEDS

You'll encounter quite an interesting range of beds on your travels; from the mousandra bed platforms in the Dodecanese islands, to those beds with the concrete base atopped by a mattress. The bed you're most likely to meet, though, is the cheap and cheerful DIY-style one where the mattress rests on wooden slats. A problem with these is that the slats are often too short and, worse still, they move around all over the place. Result: there is often a sagging gap somewhere which does your comfort and posture no good at all. If you lose the battle of trying to distribute the slats evenly, do what most people do - place the mattress on the floor and sleep there. More comfortable, and safer too!

CLOTHING

You really don't have to take all that much. No dressing up is ever required - unless you want to. It's all very casual. Clothes dry very quickly in the heat and breeze after you've washed them, so there's a quick "turnaround" time for each item of clothing. Many changes of clothing are therefore not really necessary.

CREEPY CRAWLIES

There are a fair number of these about. They're not unique to Greece, though. Remember, you'll find them in any warm, Mediterranean country. They range from ants and spiders to cockroaches (flying ones!) to wasps. Zap them with a shoe or a rolled-up newspaper. Supermarkets, on the other hand, sell all sorts of sprays and remedies. So you'll have ways of dealing with the situation.

DOORS AND SHUTTERS (AND WINDOWS)

Close these before going out. If a wind comes up suddenly you could end up with an expensive repair bill.

DRIVING

Contrary to popular belief, Greece, or the Greek islands, is not the ideal place for you to try to learn to drive a car or a moped for the first time. Greece has the second highest accident rate in the EU. Many motorists drive as if they are training for -or driving in - a Grand Prix; no thought is given to speed limits, road signs (including STOP signs), and corners are taken on two wheels (usually the steering and the spare!) If you feel inclined to hire a car; always check out the small print carefully. Comprehensive insurance is rare in Greece, and Third Party often only covers you for the minimum. Ask what exactly you are covered for. This is important. You will not be covered if you are under the influence. Also, it is best to pay a bit more for a decent car or moped. Some of the hire-vehicles are distinctly ante-deluvian and may let you down along some remote road out in the sticks. Greeks don't care too much about helmets. They don't consider it macho - and it wrecks the hairstyle! Insist on having a helmet if you want one.

ELECTRICITY

On islands, in particular, you can expect occasional power failures. This usually occurs at the height of the season when the system is overloaded. Make sure you take a torch, and you may even consider taking along a few "night light" candles just in case. Remember, when the power goes off, the water (showers and toilets) usually goes as well as the pumps are electricity powered.

FOOD

Greek food is delicious. Very often, though, it is lukewarm, or, tepid, when served as the Greeks believe that hot food is bad for the digestion. If it is not warm enough for you, feel free to ask them to warm it up.

HONEYSUCKER

Also referred to as the honey truck or honey wagon. This is a truck - or tanker - usually orange in colour. If you ever see it parked anywhere with pipes leading towards some hole in the road; move into top gear and get away as fast as possible. It is emptying a cess pit. Stay close by and get the whiff at your peril!

HOOTING

If you're walking along a road and an approaching, or following car, hoots; the driver is not making a pass at you. It's just a friendly warning that he is approaching you.

HYDROFOILS

A great - and quick way to move around. The best place to sit is the "middle" section. It's the most stable. The back section is usually the smoking section; whilst the front raised section is the most "bouncy".

JELLYFISH

Not too ubiquitous nowadays. In the event that one of the purply, long-tendrilled ones should zap you, try rubbing some lemon juice on to the affected area. The Greeks also, apparently, rub a cut tomato over the area. I haven't tried this one…yet!

LOOS AND LOO PAPER

More often than not the loo seat doesn't fit, or is of such poor quality that it breaks on the first or second occasion that you sit on it! (Business opportunity here, importing decent loo seats!) In most places you still can't flush the paper down the loo. (The pipes are too narrow). All paper must be placed in the bin found next to the toilet bowl. This is much the case in remote places, and especially so on the islands. Initially, the idea may be quite horrendous, but you soon get very used to the idea. Promise!

MEDICAL CARE

Private doctors are thin on the ground. If you need quick or urgent medical attention it's sometimes best to get yourself to the local hospital. In some instances you'll have to ensure them that you can pay before they'll start the treatment. Make sure you have good medical insurance before you travel, and it's also wise to take an E111 (available from the PO) as it will usually cover you for emergency First Aid and the likes. Take the usual "stand-by" goodies such as dettol, plasters, ointments etc.

MENUS

Sometimes the "howlers" that appear on these can turn them into the most hilarious thing you've ever read. If you don't quite catch what is being referred to as a result of a mis-spelling or mis-translation, ask for it to be explained to you; or better still, ask if you can visit the kitchen to have a look. Sadly, though, the custom of finding out what is available by visiting the kitchen is becoming something of the past. Ask Brussels, why?

MOSQUITOES AND FLIES

These can be a wretched nuisance. A basil plant in a room often keeps flies away. For "mossies", though, the best is a mossie machine which you plug into the socket in your room. Remember to buy the mossie tablets to use with it. Also, mossie spray or an insect repellent stick to rub on yourself is useful. Remember to rub it on, and under your feet as well if you are wearing sandals or flip-flops. Nothing worse than sitting at a taverna in the evenings and the little perishers go for your feet!

NEWSPAPERS

English-language newspapers are available in many bigger mainland centres as well as the main town of many of the islands. They usually arrive one to two days later, and cost from about 3 Euros. The Athens News - an English-language newspaper published in Greece is also available weekly.

NOISE

Greeks disdain quiet. They love to get together to enjoy themselves. And when they enjoy themselves, boy, do they enjoy themselves! Much talking, yelling, and laughter takes place; all at top volume. This usually goes in tandem with music (at top volume) Then there are other sounds as well such as barking dogs, miaawing cats, braying donkeys, clinking goat-bells, screeching cicadas, and hooting cars. You'll also hear loudspeakers on trucks announcing things from items to be purchased, to information about what's on at the local bouzouki club. Don't forget banging and clanging from building sites, and the ringing of church bells. Suppose it's not really all that different from back home! When you're in Greece you certainly know that you're in the midst of life being lived to the full. Great!

QUEUING

Few Greeks have ever attended the British Academy of Orderly Queuing. Whether you are waiting for a bus, hailing a taxi, waiting to pay at a supermarket, or to be served in a shop; you can be almost sure that a Greek will barge in front of you. Either you can grin and bear it, or you can raise yourself to your full height and say, "Excuse me, but do you know who I am?" (or something like that!). The latter remark is not likely to have much effect, so the best thing to do is to take a lesson from them in the art of barging in, or queue-jumping. Simply put your elbows into gear and attempt to regain the initiative as best you can!

SEA URCHINS

These little devils can be found almost everywhere, attached to rocks or on a pebbly or rocky seabed. Watch where you're stepping. A good measure is to buy a cheap pair of jelly shoes. If, however, you do happen to step on one and get spikes in your foot (quite painful!) use tweezers to extract them. If this doesn't work, rub some olive oil on to the affected area. It softens the skin and eventually the spikes will pop out.

SIESTA

Great continental custom, this! If you're exhausted after a night out or frazzled from the heat, do what all self-respecting Greeks do. Take a siesta. It's great for replenishing the energy tank.

SUN

On a serious note. The sun in Greece is VERY hot. Wear a hat, sit under a brollie, schmeck on loads of factor 25. In the event that you should look like a lobster at the end of a long day on the beach, you can try this emergency treatment that I've been told about (but never tried, so I cannot vouch for it!) Rub plain yoghurt all over the sunburnt areas of your "bodd" and then wash it off under a cold shower. Messy, but I believe you should get some respite!

TAXIS

This is usually a "white-knuckle" ride. Don't even think about asking a taxi driver to slow down. He will consider it an insult to his masculinity to do so. The taxi sharing system can give rise to some confusion. Just remember that the price you are quoted is for the journey. So, if four chums are sharing a taxi the price can be split four ways. If - as is often the case -a taxi stops to pick up someone along the way, that person will be charged separately for their leg of the journey. Convenient arrangement as the taxi driver earns a bit more; you don't pay any extra - and it helps to keep taxi prices low.

TIPPING

Generally, tipping is not a big thing in Greece; but if you do leave a tip it is much appreciated. It is usual just to round the bill up even if it is just by a small amount. The best compliment you can pay (in lieu of a tip) is to return to the taverna on a future occasion. Taxi drivers don't expect a tip. Ultimately, though, it's up to you to decide.

UTENSILS

If you're in self-catering accommodation, take along your own can-opener, potato-peeler and, very important, a decent bottle opener! Grim to arrive at your accommodation to find they're missing or of such poor quality that they don't do the job!

WALL SOCKETS

These are designed to have a life-span of one minute! Nine times out of ten when trying to remove a plug, you will pull the entire socket out of the wall. To prevent this from happening, press against the socket with one hand whilst removing the plug with the other.

WATER- for drinking

Sometimes the water can be quite salty. (Good for cooking in). However, it is usually best to buy bottled water to drink. It's cheap.

WATER - for washing up, and for washing yourself

Generally, water is in short supply in Greece so you are urged to use it sparingly. On a number of islands the water is actually brought in by water tanker. (Usually once a week). Towards the end of that week as supplies run low, the water pressure usually goes as well. Especially at peak showering times.

WIND

The Meltemi is the wind that visits the islands from mid-June to the end of August. Close doors, windows and shutters before going out. AND…close your brollie and lay it flat on the verandah floor. If you don't, it will probably end up across the bay somewhere!

Probably the two most important things to bear in mind in order to "survive" and get the best out of your holiday:

LEAVE your British reserve at home

TAKE your sense of humour with you

Surviving in the fast lane !

AND FINALLY……..

………with tongue in cheek……